Cancerville – A Humorous Tale

 Welcome to the BIG C BLOGHOP. Today’s the day we give cancer a kick in the pants!

Take that ——————


                               CANCERVILLE – A HUMOROUS TALE

Cancerville’s a hotbed of envy…it’s a pit of festering emotions.

The community warfare is reaching fever pitch proportions.

The rumor mill’s ablaze with news. Humanoids have classified them according to site of origin.

Everyone wants recognition, a piece of the action, but few snag even the slightest bit of attention.

Propoganda’s rife within the community…somebody’s working closely with the enemy. The traitors must be fleshed out!

Madame Breast Cancer and her entourage ooze confidence. Her crew always receive the most attention. Humanoids make such a hullabaloo when it comes to her group as they strut around in their little pink numbers. And what’s with all those pink ribbons anyway?

Poor Mr. Bone Cancer…cracking all over the place, shadowed by the big boys, he never gets his due. Such a rare breed. The loner of the pack.

And don’t get me started on the Tumor Trolls. The way those ugly, blobby masses of mayhem, ride around in their vehicles. Pl-ease. The Stage One’s, have little sense of urgency and, cruise by at a leisurely pace. The Stage Two’s and Three’s display more of a hurried frenzy driving us all to down another shot of Chemo.

A Stage Four speeds by in a blaze. His 4X4 comes to a screeching halt, just in front of Sir Luke Keemier and Ms. Mel Anoma, missing them by inches. They stroll hand-in-hand, quite aimlessly, not too sure where they fit into the larger picture.

“Hello Mr Tumor! It’s such a nice day out. Where are you speeding to?”

“You bloody idiot, get out of the way!” he screams at Sir Luke Keemier. “And what are you doing with him?” His eyes shift to the man at her side. “I thought you favored the blue-blooded types?”

Ms. Mel Anoma bats her eyelashes feigning ignorance.

A few Stage One’s gathered around, hoping for a brawl.
Mr Tumor’s well known for his short bursts of temper and flushes red as he shouts out: “Oh well, they do say that beauty is skin deep…which explains it all.”

“Oh, cut the crap you blobby mass. Don’t even think about taking the moral high ground with me. I’ve heard stories…makes my blood run cold…”
Sir Luke Keemier shudders.

“Fighting amongst ourselves isn’t helping. Not one bit!” Madame Breast Cancer steps in and the crowd begins to disperse.

“You’re a fine one to talk, fraternizing with the Humanoids… We’ve heard all about your group…you and your entourage will be the downfall of our species – you’ll see.” Ms. Mel Anoma regards the svelte pink-ribboned figure with an icy green glare.

“ Did you hear about the classification system? Do you have any new plans?” asks a Stage One, eyeing Mr Tumor, face aglow.

“Plans?” A gleam unbecoming to any being flashes through its eyes. “I’m going to metastasize someone’s lungs…Ha! I’m going on the rampage, you imbeciles!”

“ Stop worrying about the classification and all that mumbo-jumbo…forget about what the Humanoids are up to. That’s a distraction. We have work to do!”

Mr Tumor points a stiff finger. “You Stage One’s and Two’s need to spread yourselves, far and wide. Quit bunching up in one spot like sniveling wretches. That’s the only way to take over the universe!”

“Meta what? What’s that?” Mr. G.Leo Blastoma’s eyes glaze over.

Definitely no functioning brain cells there…

“You honestly don’t know, you simpleton? Are you having a major grey matter malfunction? Talk about being brain dead.”

His eyes clear and brighten. “Ha! That’s rich, coming from somebody who is all brawn and no brains…”

The crowd sniggers.

Mr Tumor speeds away, spreading dissension within the ranks as he passes the other Tumor Trolls.

Within the chaos Ms. N. Do-Metrial steps up to the podium and clears her throat. “Attention! Attention! Attention!” She waves her hands furiously. “We hold the key to World Domination. We are the only ones truly capable of realizing the dream…”

The community shouts,“We’ve heard that too many times before.”
A chanting begins, “Promises, promises, promises.”

“Think about this… it’s simple. Who has the ability to take out all the female Humanoids?” She stares into a sea of blank faces. “We do! If we take them out, then their kind cannot reproduce.”

“ You need us to win this war! Operation Invasion Female Humanoids is already in place!”

The crowd cheers in approval. She gives a mock curtsey.

Amidst the ongoing commotion, a van of Stage Two and Three Tumor Trolls come to a halt in front of the crowd.

Their vehicle doors burst open.

They roll out, onto the dusty surface.
Their ugly, blobby masses squirm and writhe in pain. Steam rises into the atmosphere.

It hisses and bubbles, as their lumpy shapes begin to disintegrate and, dissolve into…nothingness.

An ear-splitting explosion follows. One loud bang emits and an unbearable heat mushrooms.

The explosion spits and out pops an endless succession of wave-like structures, sucking everything in sight.

An acrid smell permeates the atmosphere.

“Cancerville is annihilated,” a deep megaphoned voice exclaims. A cheer erupts from the Humanoids.

*          *          *          *         *          *          *          *          *          *

I hope you enjoyed my tale. While I was writing this story, I had LOTS OF FUN, a real blast! Later on, I’ll be hopping around to all the other participants. You can find them here


  1. Elizabeth Hein on September 15, 2014 at 2:28 pm

    This is wonderful! I love the way you have personified the different kinds of cancer. I envision Lung cancer and Mouth cancer as the two slick dudes lurking in the shadows having a smoke while they figure out how to join the conversation.
    Thank you.

    • Michelle Wallace on September 16, 2014 at 6:27 pm

      Yep! I like that Elizabeth.
      Maybe I can add it during edits… 🙂

  2. Chrys Fey on September 15, 2014 at 4:57 pm

    This was great, fun story! I love that you made all the different types of cancers into characters. That was very creative. Well done!

  3. E.J. Wesley on September 15, 2014 at 7:19 pm

    LOL Love it! Hope this day is a great success for M. 🙂

    • Michelle Wallace on September 16, 2014 at 6:32 pm

      Thanks E.J.
      I’m sure the anthology will sell like hot cakes! 🙂

  4. Nick Wilford on September 15, 2014 at 7:20 pm

    Excellent and fun read. Nicely done!

  5. Jemi Fraser on September 15, 2014 at 8:47 pm

    Yay for the humanoids!!! Love it, Michelle 🙂

  6. Michael Di Gesu on September 15, 2014 at 9:15 pm

    Hey, Michelle,

    You know I LOVE THIS…. The final is great! Thanks for creating something fun and entertaining for this anthology!

    Stories like yours will make it a HUGE success!

    • Michelle Wallace on September 16, 2014 at 6:33 pm

      Thank you for organizing this, Michael.
      You are an angel!

  7. Medeia Sharif on September 15, 2014 at 11:58 pm

    I’m cheering along with them. Great piece.

  8. Melissa Bradley on September 16, 2014 at 6:18 am

    Love this!! Such an awesomely creative and inspiring tale. Thank you so much for participating. Huge Hugs!!

    • Michelle Wallace on September 16, 2014 at 6:35 pm

      Melissa, I’m glad I could help, in my own little way… 🙂
      Sending you positive vibes all the way across Bloggyville—WHOOSH—

  9. Hilary on September 16, 2014 at 6:41 am

    Hi Michelle .. this is a great story and like the others say .. it is totally brilliant – and definitely should get a larger airing … so amusing – I know it’s challenging .. but these rooinecks brought some fun thoughts to the dreadful C …

    Good luck to Melissa and the centre in Chicago .. honestly this was great .. cheers Hilary

    • Michelle Wallace on September 16, 2014 at 6:38 pm

      Hilary, I don’t know when last I heard that word… ‘rooinecks’ LOL

  10. Julie K Pick on September 16, 2014 at 8:10 am

    Very high marks for creativity, Michelle! Glad you ended with a bang!

    • Michelle Wallace on September 16, 2014 at 6:40 pm

      Thank you, Julie!
      I think that’s the way to get rid of cancer – one big bang! 🙂

  11. Theresa Milstein on September 16, 2014 at 8:19 pm

    Wow, this is a different take. The names had me smiling, which is a difficult feat when you’re talking about cancer.

  12. C. Lee McKenzie on September 16, 2014 at 11:41 pm

    Yay! The destruction was perfect! Take that Big Cville.

    • Michelle Wallace on September 22, 2014 at 8:50 am

      Big Cville goes out – with a big bang! Ha! Take that———

  13. Robyn Campbell on September 17, 2014 at 1:20 pm

    Whoa, Michelle. You dumped on Cville. Loved it. This is the best! GENIUS! So much fun to read. I cannot wait to see how the anthology sells. I’m going to plug it like crazy. Your story made me laugh. Thank you!

    • Michelle Wallace on September 22, 2014 at 8:52 am

      If it made you laugh, then my job is done——– 🙂 Great to see you Robyn! *waving madly*

  14. Mary on September 17, 2014 at 5:13 pm

    It was nice to read humor associated with this disease. I didn’t take part because all the people I knew with cancer… well, their stories make me sad.

    • Michelle Wallace on September 22, 2014 at 8:53 am

      There are lots of sad stories…that’s why I went this route with my contribution…thanks Mary.

  15. Southpaw on September 17, 2014 at 6:05 pm

    That was great! A fun read – which is hard when writing about cancer.

    • Michelle Wallace on September 22, 2014 at 8:55 am

      It’s very hard…and I didn’t want to trivialise it…but I wanted to highlight the destruction of the Big-C, so I settled on this story. Thank you Southpaw.

  16. Elizabeth Seckman on September 18, 2014 at 7:41 pm

    I can see that as a cartoon. Breast cancer would have to be a golden aged diva type. That’s how I see her. Good stuff. We need to laugh, they say it’s good for our health.

    • Michelle Wallace on September 22, 2014 at 8:57 am

      You’re so right, Elizabeth.
      A cartoon featuring a golden aged breast cancer diva? That sounds perfect. 🙂

  17. Tyrean on September 19, 2014 at 1:49 am

    Excellent personification! Down with cancerville!

  18. Cathrina Constantine on September 19, 2014 at 12:14 pm

    What a great Kick-in-the-pants story!!!!!!

  19. joylene on September 19, 2014 at 4:14 pm

    Ah, this was perfect. Thanks.

  20. Lexa Cain on September 19, 2014 at 6:15 pm

    Tumor trolls and so many other things made me smile. This sure was an original idea!

  21. Nicki Elson on September 22, 2014 at 12:38 pm

    Excellent ending!

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